Update #2:
Somehow got it to work. Not sure what I did different (b/c I'm pretty sure I did everything the same), but it's working now.
Thank you all for the outpouring of love and support. You have all been extremely helpful.
Since apparently this issue has never happened to anyone else ever, let my experience stand as testament that stubborn perseverance can pay off. Occasionally the blind persistence of attempting the same thing in the same way over and over again will yield the results we seek. So fear not! Keep trying to jam that square peg in a round hole because one day it WILL work my friends! It WILL fit! And on that day you may proclaim, "I HAVE TRIUMPHED! GLORY HALLELUJAH, THIS DAY IS MINE!"